dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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