Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
