I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
