he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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