I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
