Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
