Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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