it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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