Umm I'm too high to move.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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