I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
