The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
