rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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