Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
