I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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