Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
