There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
