I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
