my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
