I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Randomize
