textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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