are you still at the devil's house?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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