i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im holly from the hills drunk
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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