Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
