Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Come see our sink grown plant.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
