Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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