if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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