im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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