There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i now understand why vodka
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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