Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
