Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
