please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
