When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
