Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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