update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
