Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
