Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
