yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
