You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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