I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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