god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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