so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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