i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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