If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
