I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
