Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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