I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
