phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize