i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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