She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
