Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
