This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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