I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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