You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize