I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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