my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
God I need to hump something, right now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
