you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
