i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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