For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
