If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
