well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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