I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
