Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
