you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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