i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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