I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
