So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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