Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
