Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so let's talk penis.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
