"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
