shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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