Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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