you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
