the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
