i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
